I realized today.. that I've got to talk to him. I've got to sit him down and tell him how he made me feel, growing up. I've got to tell him what he missed when he wasnt there, and what he overlooked when he was. I've got to tell him the impact his words and actions had on me, and how they changed my life. He doesn't know who I am now.. but if I tell him about the past; the one he refuses to accept and the one I can't forget, maybe then we can be closer. Maybe he'll mature, maybe i'll move on. If I talk to him, maybe I'll no longer be burdened with the guilt of withholding the truth, with the continuous struggle of trying to explain my distance from him. Maybe he'll understand the effect of his decisions.. and become responsible for his deeds.
But who I should I talk to first; mum or dad? Mum deserves an explanation, too.. and probably needs it before he does. She was there while it happened, but never understood. I owe her an explanation. Dad was oblivious, and he needs one too - but she needs one first.
This is going to take so much courage. I'm already terrified just thinking about it. Especially the conversation with my mum. Don't think it'll be any easier either, the second time around with my dad.
On top of all that.. I want to tell Deborah everything. Like I did my two other closest friends. I want her to know where I've been and where I am now and where I want to go in the future. I want her to understand my struggles as a person in the past.. and recognize my triumphs as a person in the present. If I can talk to Phil about it when he's back from camp... get out again what I wanted to say.. maybe I can tell Deborah.. and then maybe I can tell my mum.. and then maybe I can tell my dad.
The emotional struggle thats going to come with all this is going to be really rough.. might be a total downer for a while.. but i have to do it, and i know i can. Not all right away all together, but in succession.. with small breaks in between. Like Phil said, I'll never be truly ready; but I can make a start.. a new beggining, by sharing my story, understanding it better myself and helping others to understand me through it.
I'm going to need a lot of hugs if I'm to do this.. lol
like a friggen LOT.
Hugs are my preferred demonstration of quiet reassurance; the best kind.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Dreams
I've been dreaming a lot again; more than usual.
but the dreams are always consistent.. in the same way they're inconsistent.
Every one seems so different, so radically bizarre
but they've all had some similar themes
themes that have been escaping me for the longest time
that I haven't been able to understand.
One day I stopped to think about them
About all the dreams I've ever had;
The ones I remember best.
I realized then that one theme that kept resurfacing
was running, hiding; escaping.
I was fleeing murderers. Fire in a burning building,
rabid dogs, people I knew or even things as ridiculous as giant, german-speaking swiffer wipes.
And I don't know a word of german or use swiffer products.
What I was running from is one thing
but how I got away was another.
The more I think about it, it all seems to be symbollic.
Hiding or turning invisible means I'm overlooked.
Grabbing onto something like a giant purple bird or a free-roaming birthday party balloon attached to a string seems symbollic of surfacing, overcoming..
but if I'm still leaving all the bad things down below
no matter how far down
its always going to be there
and never going to resolve itself
I'd just keep it down, as far as possible.. because the higher I'd be, the harder it'll be able to see that there's still something there that was never dealt with.
I know I've pieced a lot of it together; I get what some of them are saying, I know how they connect.. but I don't know the next step. I don't know what I'm supposed to do other than realize somethings not fixed. The things that have been pointed out to me are things that everyone could fix; things that always seem to be a work-in-progress and never an achievement.
I can't help but feel I'm missing something.. something huge and more significant. I feel like I'm putting pieces of a puzzle together.. Things seem to make sense as they fit in with other pieces, but the more I solve, the picture seems to become more distorted.. it's like slowly realizing, after spending so much time with one puzzle, that the completed picture can't be understood; it comes across as foreign, invasive and irrelevant at the same time.
Maybe I can only understand it in pieces, in succession. But if that's the case; why IS there a big picture? Why do I feel like they all lead in to something more? I never would have thought that there'd be something more important, more personal than what seemed like the everyday reminder.
Then again, maybe I'm blind to it for a reason.
I don't know. But I'm sure it'll come in time.
I've talked to the people I've tagged about this somewhat. You guys know what I mean when I talked about my dreams before hand.
But one last thing I wanted to mention to is that they're starting to change. The themes are still there, but they're not usually applied to me. They're applied to people I'm with in a dream. And now my roles have changed; now I have to be the perseverer, the heroine, the diplomat, the final solution, the leader of great things.
I can understand to a degree; but i get the feeling that its meant in a general way, not just for a temporary setting. For someone who shys away from the spotlight, its hard to understand.
This could all just be me, the overactive thinker with a relentless imagination
but I still can't shake the feeling, and thats what gets me.
but the dreams are always consistent.. in the same way they're inconsistent.
Every one seems so different, so radically bizarre
but they've all had some similar themes
themes that have been escaping me for the longest time
that I haven't been able to understand.
One day I stopped to think about them
About all the dreams I've ever had;
The ones I remember best.
I realized then that one theme that kept resurfacing
was running, hiding; escaping.
I was fleeing murderers. Fire in a burning building,
rabid dogs, people I knew or even things as ridiculous as giant, german-speaking swiffer wipes.
And I don't know a word of german or use swiffer products.
What I was running from is one thing
but how I got away was another.
The more I think about it, it all seems to be symbollic.
Hiding or turning invisible means I'm overlooked.
Grabbing onto something like a giant purple bird or a free-roaming birthday party balloon attached to a string seems symbollic of surfacing, overcoming..
but if I'm still leaving all the bad things down below
no matter how far down
its always going to be there
and never going to resolve itself
I'd just keep it down, as far as possible.. because the higher I'd be, the harder it'll be able to see that there's still something there that was never dealt with.
I know I've pieced a lot of it together; I get what some of them are saying, I know how they connect.. but I don't know the next step. I don't know what I'm supposed to do other than realize somethings not fixed. The things that have been pointed out to me are things that everyone could fix; things that always seem to be a work-in-progress and never an achievement.
I can't help but feel I'm missing something.. something huge and more significant. I feel like I'm putting pieces of a puzzle together.. Things seem to make sense as they fit in with other pieces, but the more I solve, the picture seems to become more distorted.. it's like slowly realizing, after spending so much time with one puzzle, that the completed picture can't be understood; it comes across as foreign, invasive and irrelevant at the same time.
Maybe I can only understand it in pieces, in succession. But if that's the case; why IS there a big picture? Why do I feel like they all lead in to something more? I never would have thought that there'd be something more important, more personal than what seemed like the everyday reminder.
Then again, maybe I'm blind to it for a reason.
I don't know. But I'm sure it'll come in time.
I've talked to the people I've tagged about this somewhat. You guys know what I mean when I talked about my dreams before hand.
But one last thing I wanted to mention to is that they're starting to change. The themes are still there, but they're not usually applied to me. They're applied to people I'm with in a dream. And now my roles have changed; now I have to be the perseverer, the heroine, the diplomat, the final solution, the leader of great things.
I can understand to a degree; but i get the feeling that its meant in a general way, not just for a temporary setting. For someone who shys away from the spotlight, its hard to understand.
This could all just be me, the overactive thinker with a relentless imagination
but I still can't shake the feeling, and thats what gets me.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Death and All His Friends
Coldplay has a new album out; "Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends"
And it is some of the greatest music I've ever heard - most notably the song "Death and all of his friends". Their style is so much different in this album and I wondered why... its so 'other-worldly'... ambient... space-like... metaphysical. All thought words described it.
So i looked up the producer for kicks and it's Brian Eno. That explains it. I think Coldplay mixed with Brian Eno is one of the greatest blends I've ever heard. Do yourself a favour and listen to "Death and All His Friends" - if you like it... or like me, can't help but love it, then give the rest of the album a go. It's incredible original... all of it. Each and every song, the album artwork, the beat arrangement, shifts in melody. It's very different for Coldplay - but still branches from their roots. You will not be disappointed.
And it is some of the greatest music I've ever heard - most notably the song "Death and all of his friends". Their style is so much different in this album and I wondered why... its so 'other-worldly'... ambient... space-like... metaphysical. All thought words described it.
So i looked up the producer for kicks and it's Brian Eno. That explains it. I think Coldplay mixed with Brian Eno is one of the greatest blends I've ever heard. Do yourself a favour and listen to "Death and All His Friends" - if you like it... or like me, can't help but love it, then give the rest of the album a go. It's incredible original... all of it. Each and every song, the album artwork, the beat arrangement, shifts in melody. It's very different for Coldplay - but still branches from their roots. You will not be disappointed.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Thoughts
Do you ever just feel like.. writing something, but having so many small things in your head that seem like they'd be good subjects... but really they don't offer much and you end up feeling like you don't want to write anymore? I feel like that now.
The urge to write also goes away with the fact that I have so much work right now that needs to be done. It's stunting my creativity and I don't like it.
But four weeks, and I'm done. Three weeks of learning; one week of exams.
So far, this is what I have left to do in my courses:
Online History:
Module 13 review quiz (these take an hour)
Module 13 letter
Module 14 poster
Module 14 review quiz
Module 15 Essay
Module 15 review quiz
Module 16 Editorial
Module 16 review quiz
Module 17 Journal Entry
Module 18 ISU (Final project; essay or report)
Math:
Test
Culminating task
Religion:
Test on Buddhism
Culminating
Photography:
Careers assignment
Magazine
Culminating
!!!!
The urge to write also goes away with the fact that I have so much work right now that needs to be done. It's stunting my creativity and I don't like it.
But four weeks, and I'm done. Three weeks of learning; one week of exams.
So far, this is what I have left to do in my courses:
Online History:
Module 13 review quiz (these take an hour)
Module 13 letter
Module 14 poster
Module 14 review quiz
Module 15 Essay
Module 15 review quiz
Module 16 Editorial
Module 16 review quiz
Module 17 Journal Entry
Module 18 ISU (Final project; essay or report)
Math:
Test
Culminating task
Religion:
Test on Buddhism
Culminating
Photography:
Careers assignment
Magazine
Culminating
!!!!
Saturday, May 24, 2008
This Summer
Hotspots:
The Hotspot (irony!)
Browns Bay
Houses of friends
Bookstores
other stores
travelling
the cinema
backyard
what I want to do:
research Uni's... gotta get on that.
Try scriptwriting!
Try novel-writing! :o
Practice writing an article about a current event or a discovery, etc to see if I'm destined for journalism or need work.
Work and save up for a laptop, Nikon DLSR
Learn to play the guitar
Try try try try try to tan! lol; the greatest obstacle of the celtic race.
Shed some winter pounds
Try sewing + stiching and make my own tope bag :D
If i manage to make a top bag; try my hand at CLOTHING oooh.
Update flickr with all my art - try and get noticed
Garden with mum
Buy some wicked pretty shoes
Stock up on CDs I've been wanting since the money ran out.
Make some vids for Mme Cavanaugh for next year (Human trafficking, poverty, etc)
The Hotspot (irony!)
Browns Bay
Houses of friends
Bookstores
other stores
travelling
the cinema
backyard
what I want to do:
research Uni's... gotta get on that.
Try scriptwriting!
Try novel-writing! :o
Practice writing an article about a current event or a discovery, etc to see if I'm destined for journalism or need work.
Work and save up for a laptop, Nikon DLSR
Learn to play the guitar
Try try try try try to tan! lol; the greatest obstacle of the celtic race.
Shed some winter pounds
Try sewing + stiching and make my own tope bag :D
If i manage to make a top bag; try my hand at CLOTHING oooh.
Update flickr with all my art - try and get noticed
Garden with mum
Buy some wicked pretty shoes
Stock up on CDs I've been wanting since the money ran out.
Make some vids for Mme Cavanaugh for next year (Human trafficking, poverty, etc)
Saturday, May 17, 2008
It's All About Dogs!
Dogs I Like:
Bergers De Beauce
Bernese Mountain Dog
Blue Lacy Dog
Border Collie
CANAAN DOG
CAROLINA DOG
CHIEN DE L'ATLAS
COLLIES
DALMATION
DREVER (some)
ENGLISH SHEPHERD (SOO PRETTY)
ENTELBUCHER
Eskimo Dog (maybe even the mini)
FINNISH SPITZ (mebbe)
FLAT-COATED RETRIEVER
GOLDEN RETRIEVER
GERMAN SHEPHERD DOG (<33333)>GREAT DANE (<33333333333)>GREAT PYRENEES
GREATER SWISS MOUNTAIN DOG
HOVAWARTIceland Dog
RED IRISH SETTER
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER (probably the only terrier i like)
KARELIAN BEAR LAIKAS
KARELO-FINNISH LAIKA
LABRADOR RETRIEVER
LANDSEER
LAPINPOROKOIRA
LAPPHUNDS (especially the black ones!)
LUNDEHUND
MALTESE (only if their fur is kept shorter and they are PUPPIES lol)
MAREMMA SHEEPDOG (so cute and shaggy ^-^)
MUDI (omg they're so awesome)
NEWFOUNDLAND (The Big' ol Newfoundlander Dawg :D)
NOVA SCOTIA DUCK TOLLING RETRIEVER (SO CUTE)
OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG (Just this one: http://www.gotpetsonline.com/pictures-gallery/dog-pictures-breeders-puppies-rescue/old-english-sheepdog-pictures-breeders-puppies-rescue/pictures/old-english-sheepdog-0001.jpg !!!!!!!!!!!)
OWCZAREK PODHALANSKI
PATTERDALE TERRIER (he's okay)
POMERANIAN (SOME, liek this: http://puppydogweb.com/gallery/pomeranians/pomeranian_mclean.jpg)
PYRENEAN MASTIFF
SAARLOOSWOLFHOND
SAINT BERNARD
SAMOYEDS <3> SCHIPPERKE (http://www.yorkkc.com/images/Schipperke%20Puppy%20Small.jpg)
SCOTTISH TERRIER (Probably the best terrier ever..he's not even cute.. he just looks HILARIOUS. Like a short + long bearded scotsman)
SHETLAND SHEEPDOG
Shikoku
SIBERIAN HUSKY
SMALANDSSTOVARE
TAHLTAN BEAR DOG
TELOMIAN
TIBETAN MASTIFF
VASGOTASPETS ( Yeah they're small but kinda cute too)
WELSH CORGIS
WESTPHALIAN DACHSBRACKE
YUGOSLAVIAN HOUNDS
Dogs I want to exterminate (but not really, obv):
Bichon Frise
Bolognese Dog
BULL TERRIER
CAVALIER KING
CHARLES SPANIEL
CHINESE CRESTED
dandie dinmont terrier
ENGLISH TOY SPANIEL
JAPANESE CHIN
PEKINGESE
-Interjection- WHY ARE ALL THESE DOGS FROM CHINA OR JAPAN -Interjection-
LHASA APSO
MOSCOW LONGHAIRED TOY TERRIER (those tiny shaky dogs that always look like they've just been electrocuted)
POODLES (I fucking hate poodles)
PUG (ALL PUGS ARE UGLY, I DONT CARE WHAT YOU SAY - THEY HAVE NASAL PROBLEMS AND THEIR FACES ARE ALL SMASHED IN)
PULI (best breed for cornrows? honestly)
SHIH TZU (Yet another one from China)
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Garrett Hedlund, the holographic universe, and my new hair cut!!
PART 1: Garrett Hedlund
So I was watching Georgia Rule today (I so hope that's not how Lindsay Lohan is in real life) - and I noticed a cute guy in the movie. A really, really, really cute guy. Okay so usually I'm not one to fall for the "boyish good looks" bit, but I definitely did for this movie. Even though he has a boyish face - it's very mature. He has probably the best eyes I've ever seen on a guy, and the best smile too. And the hair? Pheww.
So anyways I looked up his name on IMDB.com (the internet movie database for those of you who didn't know what IMDB stood for) and his name is Garrett Hedlund. This sounded vaguely familar. I then checked to see what other movies he played in: Troy, Eragon, Four Brothers.
Me: "...I DO know that guy! I thought he was hot in every one of those movies..."
Astonished by my memory failure, I checked the pictures to see why I didn't recognize him as the same person in any two of those movies. In every movie he has a very different haircut, and it REALLY changed what he looked like... but every time, I still thought he was hot. Light hair, dark hair, long hair, NO hair.
So in conclusion:
1) I am most definitely a Garrett Hedlund fangirl now, I just can't help myself.
2) I might actually be a sucker for 'boyish good looks' after all
3) and I thought I only really liked dark haired guys... Pffftt!
PART 2: The Holographic Universe
So I'm reading this book right now called, you guessed it - The holographic universe - by Michael Talbot. I checked it out from the library along with The Elegant Universe by someone whose name escapes me. Anyways, I found them on amazon.ca one day and thought they might be thought provoking... and by no means do i enjoy math nor am I passionate about science; but I am continually dumbfounded by the mystery of the universe. I like this book because it explains the holographic model: the only model or hint of a 'theory' (this term is used loosely) that can explain the many things that modern science falls short of with it's present array of theories and laws. It's simply said, and each idea mentioned is, in the book, supported by study or reason. Large scientific words are used only when needed, and always explained before incorporated. In fact, for the visual learners, Talbot has even included diagrams and other helpful images to guide the reader through unknown territory. I've only just started the book; but Talbot has already addressed the plausibility of truth in the holographic model by drawing parallels with human vision and memory. I scanned through the latter half of the book to notice topics brought up such as dreams, hypnotism and near death experiences (or NDE's) - three things I've been incredibly interested in since the day they were introduced to me. I've already added a few books about these select topics to my Amazon.ca wishlist for future reading!
Anyways, I just want to note that it's an awesome book so far, and I'm fighting the urge to pick it up right now and spend the rest of the night reading it because I'm swimming in outstanding history homework; the kind that has yet to be completed.
...which brings me to my last note.
PART 3: My new haircut!
I got my hair cut! W00tage, finally. Okay so I took my bangs off the left side of my face and crossed them over my forehead to the right, because my forehead cries for bangs and they make my eyes pop more this way :D
And then for the rest of my hair I just got the usual: an inch off, re layered, special stuff put in.
I felt great when I got there though, because Heather my hairdresser said to me "I don't know what you're doing here! Your hair looks great - and I like it long like that."
and I laughed and thanked her and made note that i probably had a least a few dead ends that could be laid to rest (yeah it's lame, but that's how I roll). So she strapped me in with that big black shiny cloak thing and we got started :D
After the cut she sprayed the natural flow out of my hair with just about a whole can of hairspray, and with heather not only do you have to close your eyes when she sprays hair spray at you; you have to stop breathing or you'll die.
So i got home and loosened it up a bit, but left most of it in because my hair has to be re-trained to stay the way it looked then. I'll probably pick up some bobby-pins and clips tomorrow and just leave them in my hair all day (and I'll do it after school this week) in order to make the transition as smooth and fast as possible!
Anyways its SUPER CUTE and I like it; it even looks good up which my hair never does. Plus I can still see, which is a bonus haha ;).
IN CONCLUSION
So that's about it. Pointless, I know.. but I just had to write something happy, right? after 4977 depressing words, you'd think I was the typing dead! Thing is, I'm normally happy - just not a happy writer. It's like Dallas Green with his music. He's normally a happy guy - but the majority of his music is sad or thoughtful. Why? Because music, art and literature are mediums of human expression - and often the bitter emotions are the hardest to get rid of without pouring out your soul.
Et puis, il faut que je continue avec ma travaille. Je déteste les devoirs, plus que normale pendant la weekend...
so bai!
So I was watching Georgia Rule today (I so hope that's not how Lindsay Lohan is in real life) - and I noticed a cute guy in the movie. A really, really, really cute guy. Okay so usually I'm not one to fall for the "boyish good looks" bit, but I definitely did for this movie. Even though he has a boyish face - it's very mature. He has probably the best eyes I've ever seen on a guy, and the best smile too. And the hair? Pheww.
So anyways I looked up his name on IMDB.com (the internet movie database for those of you who didn't know what IMDB stood for) and his name is Garrett Hedlund. This sounded vaguely familar. I then checked to see what other movies he played in: Troy, Eragon, Four Brothers.
Me: "...I DO know that guy! I thought he was hot in every one of those movies..."
Astonished by my memory failure, I checked the pictures to see why I didn't recognize him as the same person in any two of those movies. In every movie he has a very different haircut, and it REALLY changed what he looked like... but every time, I still thought he was hot. Light hair, dark hair, long hair, NO hair.
So in conclusion:
1) I am most definitely a Garrett Hedlund fangirl now, I just can't help myself.
2) I might actually be a sucker for 'boyish good looks' after all
3) and I thought I only really liked dark haired guys... Pffftt!
PART 2: The Holographic Universe
So I'm reading this book right now called, you guessed it - The holographic universe - by Michael Talbot. I checked it out from the library along with The Elegant Universe by someone whose name escapes me. Anyways, I found them on amazon.ca one day and thought they might be thought provoking... and by no means do i enjoy math nor am I passionate about science; but I am continually dumbfounded by the mystery of the universe. I like this book because it explains the holographic model: the only model or hint of a 'theory' (this term is used loosely) that can explain the many things that modern science falls short of with it's present array of theories and laws. It's simply said, and each idea mentioned is, in the book, supported by study or reason. Large scientific words are used only when needed, and always explained before incorporated. In fact, for the visual learners, Talbot has even included diagrams and other helpful images to guide the reader through unknown territory. I've only just started the book; but Talbot has already addressed the plausibility of truth in the holographic model by drawing parallels with human vision and memory. I scanned through the latter half of the book to notice topics brought up such as dreams, hypnotism and near death experiences (or NDE's) - three things I've been incredibly interested in since the day they were introduced to me. I've already added a few books about these select topics to my Amazon.ca wishlist for future reading!
Anyways, I just want to note that it's an awesome book so far, and I'm fighting the urge to pick it up right now and spend the rest of the night reading it because I'm swimming in outstanding history homework; the kind that has yet to be completed.
...which brings me to my last note.
PART 3: My new haircut!
I got my hair cut! W00tage, finally. Okay so I took my bangs off the left side of my face and crossed them over my forehead to the right, because my forehead cries for bangs and they make my eyes pop more this way :D
And then for the rest of my hair I just got the usual: an inch off, re layered, special stuff put in.
I felt great when I got there though, because Heather my hairdresser said to me "I don't know what you're doing here! Your hair looks great - and I like it long like that."
and I laughed and thanked her and made note that i probably had a least a few dead ends that could be laid to rest (yeah it's lame, but that's how I roll). So she strapped me in with that big black shiny cloak thing and we got started :D
After the cut she sprayed the natural flow out of my hair with just about a whole can of hairspray, and with heather not only do you have to close your eyes when she sprays hair spray at you; you have to stop breathing or you'll die.
So i got home and loosened it up a bit, but left most of it in because my hair has to be re-trained to stay the way it looked then. I'll probably pick up some bobby-pins and clips tomorrow and just leave them in my hair all day (and I'll do it after school this week) in order to make the transition as smooth and fast as possible!
Anyways its SUPER CUTE and I like it; it even looks good up which my hair never does. Plus I can still see, which is a bonus haha ;).
IN CONCLUSION
So that's about it. Pointless, I know.. but I just had to write something happy, right? after 4977 depressing words, you'd think I was the typing dead! Thing is, I'm normally happy - just not a happy writer. It's like Dallas Green with his music. He's normally a happy guy - but the majority of his music is sad or thoughtful. Why? Because music, art and literature are mediums of human expression - and often the bitter emotions are the hardest to get rid of without pouring out your soul.
Et puis, il faut que je continue avec ma travaille. Je déteste les devoirs, plus que normale pendant la weekend...
so bai!
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