Time to Tell The Truth

I realized today.. that I've got to talk to him. I've got to sit him down and tell him how he made me feel, growing up. I've got to tell him what he missed when he wasnt there, and what he overlooked when he was. I've got to tell him the impact his words and actions had on me, and how they changed my life. He doesn't know who I am now.. but if I tell him about the past; the one he refuses to accept and the one I can't forget, maybe then we can be closer. Maybe he'll mature, maybe i'll move on. If I talk to him, maybe I'll no longer be burdened with the guilt of withholding the truth, with the continuous struggle of trying to explain my distance from him. Maybe he'll understand the effect of his decisions.. and become responsible for his deeds.

But who I should I talk to first; mum or dad? Mum deserves an explanation, too.. and probably needs it before he does. She was there while it happened, but never understood. I owe her an explanation. Dad was oblivious, and he needs one too - but she needs one first.

This is going to take so much courage. I'm already terrified just thinking about it. Especially the conversation with my mum. Don't think it'll be any easier either, the second time around with my dad.

On top of all that.. I want to tell Deborah everything. Like I did my two other closest friends. I want her to know where I've been and where I am now and where I want to go in the future. I want her to understand my struggles as a person in the past.. and recognize my triumphs as a person in the present. If I can talk to Phil about it when he's back from camp... get out again what I wanted to say.. maybe I can tell Deborah.. and then maybe I can tell my mum.. and then maybe I can tell my dad.

The emotional struggle thats going to come with all this is going to be really rough.. might be a total downer for a while.. but i have to do it, and i know i can. Not all right away all together, but in succession.. with small breaks in between. Like Phil said, I'll never be truly ready; but I can make a start.. a new beggining, by sharing my story, understanding it better myself and helping others to understand me through it.

I'm going to need a lot of hugs if I'm to do this.. lol
like a friggen LOT.
Hugs are my preferred demonstration of quiet reassurance; the best kind.