Time to Tell The Truth

I realized today.. that I've got to talk to him. I've got to sit him down and tell him how he made me feel, growing up. I've got to tell him what he missed when he wasnt there, and what he overlooked when he was. I've got to tell him the impact his words and actions had on me, and how they changed my life. He doesn't know who I am now.. but if I tell him about the past; the one he refuses to accept and the one I can't forget, maybe then we can be closer. Maybe he'll mature, maybe i'll move on. If I talk to him, maybe I'll no longer be burdened with the guilt of withholding the truth, with the continuous struggle of trying to explain my distance from him. Maybe he'll understand the effect of his decisions.. and become responsible for his deeds.

But who I should I talk to first; mum or dad? Mum deserves an explanation, too.. and probably needs it before he does. She was there while it happened, but never understood. I owe her an explanation. Dad was oblivious, and he needs one too - but she needs one first.

This is going to take so much courage. I'm already terrified just thinking about it. Especially the conversation with my mum. Don't think it'll be any easier either, the second time around with my dad.

On top of all that.. I want to tell Deborah everything. Like I did my two other closest friends. I want her to know where I've been and where I am now and where I want to go in the future. I want her to understand my struggles as a person in the past.. and recognize my triumphs as a person in the present. If I can talk to Phil about it when he's back from camp... get out again what I wanted to say.. maybe I can tell Deborah.. and then maybe I can tell my mum.. and then maybe I can tell my dad.

The emotional struggle thats going to come with all this is going to be really rough.. might be a total downer for a while.. but i have to do it, and i know i can. Not all right away all together, but in succession.. with small breaks in between. Like Phil said, I'll never be truly ready; but I can make a start.. a new beggining, by sharing my story, understanding it better myself and helping others to understand me through it.

I'm going to need a lot of hugs if I'm to do this.. lol
like a friggen LOT.
Hugs are my preferred demonstration of quiet reassurance; the best kind.

Dreams

I've been dreaming a lot again; more than usual.
but the dreams are always consistent.. in the same way they're inconsistent.
Every one seems so different, so radically bizarre
but they've all had some similar themes
themes that have been escaping me for the longest time
that I haven't been able to understand.

One day I stopped to think about them
About all the dreams I've ever had;
The ones I remember best.

I realized then that one theme that kept resurfacing
was running, hiding; escaping.
I was fleeing murderers. Fire in a burning building,
rabid dogs, people I knew or even things as ridiculous as giant, german-speaking swiffer wipes.
And I don't know a word of german or use swiffer products.

What I was running from is one thing
but how I got away was another.
The more I think about it, it all seems to be symbollic.
Hiding or turning invisible means I'm overlooked.
Grabbing onto something like a giant purple bird or a free-roaming birthday party balloon attached to a string seems symbollic of surfacing, overcoming..
but if I'm still leaving all the bad things down below
no matter how far down
its always going to be there
and never going to resolve itself
I'd just keep it down, as far as possible.. because the higher I'd be, the harder it'll be able to see that there's still something there that was never dealt with.

I know I've pieced a lot of it together; I get what some of them are saying, I know how they connect.. but I don't know the next step. I don't know what I'm supposed to do other than realize somethings not fixed. The things that have been pointed out to me are things that everyone could fix; things that always seem to be a work-in-progress and never an achievement.

I can't help but feel I'm missing something.. something huge and more significant. I feel like I'm putting pieces of a puzzle together.. Things seem to make sense as they fit in with other pieces, but the more I solve, the picture seems to become more distorted.. it's like slowly realizing, after spending so much time with one puzzle, that the completed picture can't be understood; it comes across as foreign, invasive and irrelevant at the same time.

Maybe I can only understand it in pieces, in succession. But if that's the case; why IS there a big picture? Why do I feel like they all lead in to something more? I never would have thought that there'd be something more important, more personal than what seemed like the everyday reminder.

Then again, maybe I'm blind to it for a reason.
I don't know. But I'm sure it'll come in time.


I've talked to the people I've tagged about this somewhat. You guys know what I mean when I talked about my dreams before hand.
But one last thing I wanted to mention to is that they're starting to change. The themes are still there, but they're not usually applied to me. They're applied to people I'm with in a dream. And now my roles have changed; now I have to be the perseverer, the heroine, the diplomat, the final solution, the leader of great things.
I can understand to a degree; but i get the feeling that its meant in a general way, not just for a temporary setting. For someone who shys away from the spotlight, its hard to understand.

This could all just be me, the overactive thinker with a relentless imagination
but I still can't shake the feeling, and thats what gets me.